My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I hate when that happens.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
@funTweeters I am at your service….
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Merica.