I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries