Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day