The “baby” on the left….
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Mornin
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”