To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
*cough*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up