Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
This is my cat’s medicine.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”