If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.