Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
and now we wait
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Storm Tropical Storm
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”