Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?