Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I saw nothing
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.