Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
you have three unread messages
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?