Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
This tweet has been deleted
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
@ candidates for local office
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?