Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad