I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm