*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
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I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Attacked by a mop.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: