[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
You Might Also Like
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped