Monica just destroyed the internet
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[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
The Joker was right
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.