I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The happy life.. 😊
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.