GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.