*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!