Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.