if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.