My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I can fix him.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba