I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.