wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram