Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Breaking news:
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Challenge accepted.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.