I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?