Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery