If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Oh thanks BBC.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
With this onion ring, I thee fed