We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”