me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
based al yankovic
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up