What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You Might Also Like
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals