Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?