Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?