Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
This is Sparta
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.