Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.