It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
You Might Also Like
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
quarantine day 3
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*