fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The Assassin.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.