I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Time for evil
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Skills