COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Carpe DM
checking out some reviews of my local library
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it