The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I was just discussing this with my cat
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
They must have gotten it to go.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.