*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
yeah 😭
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.