I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
road expansion addicts be like âjust one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop wheneverâ
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: thereâs only enough left for me
him: thereâs a whole bottle
me: yes
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Iâd like to say that I donât have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what theyâd like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
RSVP: âŞď¸yes âŞď¸no âŤď¸yes now but then no later on
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on peopleâs heads, and now Iâm super disappointed.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
â â â â â
Comb doesnât work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
âBe sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washerâ
-my wife
*meets man next door*
Thatâll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbourâs wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?