You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
being a writer on Twitter:
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
repaired
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.