Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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that colleague who touches your screen
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
this is me
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.