Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
A drum solo but on your face.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Living the best life.. 😊
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.