This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates