boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!