I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to