We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
You Might Also Like
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I feel this so hard
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
We have a winner.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur